Woah, there, Captain! Flying a little close to the sun, aren't we?
Maybe that joint was stronger than you imagined. Perhaps those brownies were more potent than you planned, Maureen Dowd. Or maybe, just maybe, you wanted to prove to your friends that you could handle that big of a bong rip. Hubris gets the best of everyone. Flying too high costs Icarus his wings and life. But you don't have to crash into the ocean and drown. Let's get you back on solid ground before you melt away.
If you're too high on marijuana, consider this article flight school. We'll get you back on the runway safely, with minimal turbulence. It's time to lower those landing gears, buddy. We'll begin our descent at whatever elevation is too high for you.
How do I know if I'm too high?
Well... we're here, aren't we? Everyone will tell you not to go beyond your limit, but we're way beyond that. You've made it this far into cyberspace, so open up your Starlog, Buzz Lightyear. I'm sending you the coordinates for earth.
If you think you're too high, then you're probably too high. If your heart is racing, your palms are sweating, your mind is churning, or your tongue is drying, then you might be too high. To avoid becoming a Jeff Foxworthy bit, just answer this simple question: Am I having a good time? If the answer is "No", then you're too high.
No worries, space cowboy. You're in a situation, but not an impossible one. Landing this ship will be one small step for you and one giant leap for your mind. Because, at the end of the day, that's what these heights measure up to - your mind. So remember to breathe. Try some of these easy steps to soothe your nugged out noggin.
If you're stuck on the dark side of the moon, the path back to earth is more comfortable than you think.
Things To Do
You don't need to call a therapist. Pretend it's the 2000s, you want to be a millionaire, and phone a friend. We're all human. We're all subject to the same hormones and circumstances that generate irrational paranoia. It's cool. Talk to an understanding friend about it. Simply getting out of your head helps every time.
Don't stay crammed in your studio or mansion. Get out there and put that increased heart rate to use. Take a walk, smile at the strangers who are definitely not staring at you, and take time to smell the other flowers. Life is good when you're on a walk, and you've got to walk before you can run. Even if you do walk like it's your first time on the moon.
Just like coffee (which you most certainly do not need right now), some like showers hot and some like 'em cold. Do whatever works for you. Having a rinse can help center you. Plus, I don't know how you're doing it, but for me, showering is relaxing. Marijuana amplifies relaxation.
4. Breath -> Meditate -> Nap
Simple breathing exercises are easy to do and can calm you down within moments. Meditating and healthy introspection may in fact be exactly what the doctor ordered. And don't feel bad if meditation leads to napping. Spain's entire culture is built around afternoon naps. Catch a few Zzzs and you'll wake up at your gate, safe and sound.
You're going to look back on this moment one day and laugh, so why not start now? If it's too soon, try a funny show you like instead. Familiarity breeds comfort. Sink into a couch and binge whatever makes you laugh. You're guaranteed to understand the nuances of the punchline, even more, when you're stoned.
Some people are comforted by stand-up, others by a sit-down guitarist. Your favorite songs are even better when you're high. What's that one song you love to jam to? Make like Michael Jordan in 1996 and Space Jam it. You're guaranteed to understand the nuances of the melody, even more, when you're stoned.
Things to Ingest
If you have access to isolated CBD, ingest it. CBD modifies THC receptors to reduce anxiety. Research shows CBD consumption reduces the undesirable side-effects of THC while enhancing the desirable side-effects like relaxation. Don't smoke more weed unless you have a mostly CBD strain like Harlequin.
I wouldn't recommend eating a lemon straight up. Maybe juice it into a salad or a cup with sugar and water. Have a whiff; serve iced with tea. Lemon's aroma and flavor come from a terpene named limonene. Limonene is a naturally occurring chemical found in much more than just marijuana. Let this terp be your co-pilot in returning to terra safely.
Neil Young, a man with a Heart of Gold, swears by peppercorn to cure a Head of Green. Ideally, you have whole peppercorns and a grinder. Take a big sniff and even a few bites. Peppercorn contains two important terpenes: myrcene and beta-caryophyllene. Just like limonene, they're known to reduce anxiety and make food taste better. Eating is a wonderful thing to do while stoned, but more on that in a moment.
Chamomile is a personal favorite. It's a soothing tea that is available at most grocery stores. Studies show drinking hot beverages is good for your throat, which you could use on account of your cottonmouth. Add a little lemon to the mild chamomile and BAM! you've got yourself one relaxing beverage. Chamomile is both comforting and good for you. A relaxed pilot is a good pilot, which is why so many pilots have drinking problems.
5. Comfort Food
It's best not to fly on an empty stomach.
Marijuana is the salt of life. Need to improve a dish? Smoke some weed. Grind some peppercorn. Dig in. Getting lost in lasagna is like a moment of zen. You can't worry about the future when there's so much pasta to eat right now! You're guaranteed to understand the nuances of the marinara, even more, when you're stoned.
Dihydrogen monoxide, though lethal in large enough doses, is essential to your survival as a mammal. Your brain, body, and heart all work better when you're hydrated. Plus, your mouth is a fricking desert right now. Quench your thirst, add a little sugar to your water, and turn that desert into a dessert. Even Spirit Airlines offers complimentary lukewarm tap.
What Not To Do
1. Freak Out
Don't indulge in paranoid fantasies. Nobody is out to get you. There will be no far-reaching consequences of this stoning. You're not going to die. The worst thing that could happen today is you freaking out, which you have the power to avoid. But telling people "to chill" never stopped anyone from overheating. So I won't tell you to chill. Just do it. Your passengers and crew depend on it.
2. Alert Authorities
Don't call the cops, hospital, FAA, NASA, or your parents. You don't need to talk to any of them or your boss right now. They don't need to know about you flying dirty till everyone is back on the same planet.
If you can't help but dial 911, do the Internet a favor and record the phone call. Those recordings are gold and serve as a cautionary tale for others.
3. Increase Altitude
Now's probably not the time to increase the altimeter. It's too late for bravery - you've already Googled "help I'm too high" or something like it. If you have a fear of heights, avoid cockpits. If smoking whatever you're smoking got you too high, then smoking it again may get you too high again. Chances are, you just need less THC. Some strains are higher in THC and anxiety than others, and that's something to keep in mind while shopping. But for now, just sober up. Your weed will still be there when you roll onto the runway.
4. Consume Caffeine
The idea right now is to lower your heart rate, like a descending aircraft. If the drop is too abrupt, we've got turbulence. If altitude increases, well... we're not landing, are we?
Caffeine increases your heart rate and anxiety. When you're too high, you're suffering from these symptoms. Yes - people love coffee and weed. But that's not what you need if you're here. Now's not the time to pull up. Trade your coffee for chamomile for a smoother landing.
Drunk driving is dangerous. Stoned driving is dangerous. Avoid both, at all costs! Need a cheeseburger? Who doesn't?! But haven't you heard of delivery? Pay the extra fees (plus tip), save a life, and stay on the couch. Driving intoxicated is always a bad idea. If you must go, call an Uber. You can't even land a metaphorical airplane right now, much less drive an actual vehicle.
6. "put ur face in mayonaise"
This is the direct advice of the Snoop Doggy Dog (formerly Snoop Lion) himself. Snoop gave this cryptic response during a Reddit AMA to this question from an unidentified journalist: "High as fuck right now, Mr. Lion. What should I do?" Though a snack is recommended, I think the D.O. Double G has taken it too far. Put the mayo on a sandwich instead. Whatever you do, keep your eyes on the runway.
Congratulations, Young Aviator! You've Landed!
This is your graduation paragraph. There's no way you're too high if you're still reading. You may want to kiss the earth or even smoke more grass. Whatever your flight plan, you've earned your wings.
Coming back from orbit without a crash is no easy task, but it can be comfortable with an eighth of Harlequin, a Harley Quinn marathon, a cup of chamomile, and some lemon pepper wet. Where will your next flight take you? The world is yours, Sky Captain of Tomorrow. Wherever you go, however high your heights take you, don't forget: always lower your wheels before you land.